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wake up,shake off your cold hearted armour and dance with me in the pouring rain [entries|friends|calendar]

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November 24th, 2006 11:19 am


please add me again!!
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October 12th, 2006 8:40 pm
disconected dots.

i'm self absorbed. i'm pathetic. im a jumble. a jumble of disconnected lines and dots spiralling beyond reason or comprehension. she wants to label me and enter me into her database. she weighed me today. 6lbs down in twice as many days. not good enough.

eating disorder, yes/no. there isn't beginning or end or right or wrong or yes or no.

its infinite, an unintelligible universe of lies and discrepancies and things that dont add up. only the tangles of my mind that i cant decipher and ideas that never quite materialise. striding down the street, rain squelching, satisfying between my ice-blue toes, clutching a satchel full of organised chaos, rosy cheeks sipping coffee in a weathered leather armchair, flicking through lecture notes. playing the part. pretending that underneath im calm, collected. but when you're back, sitting there, eyes focused on the stark whiteness of a bare wall, empty and numb and indifferent, you know its coming. that agonising hunger spreading up through your consciousness, stinging as it travels up your back and sides and front. it wont be ignored anymore. then bliss. as you feel it sliding down your throat. the mechanical chewing that somehow lets numbness seep into your being. but you need more. more of this ecstacy, this forbidden drug. gorged, but still desperate for more. more of anything that can bring back that feeling, the only thing you've really felt all day. my distended belly looks like that of a starving child or a pregnant woman. days of perseverence wasted. 5 minutes later and there i am staring at my glutonous shame. flush toilet. wipe face. check makeup. tidy kitchen. pack bag. grab keys.

sorry if this isnt really about anything. but in a way it is.
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October 5th, 2006 9:34 am
hey!I'm in cambridge. I only just got the internet connection in my room working. Iv been here since saturday. blegh. i'll give a bigger update later.

how are you all??
it feels like i havent been here for ages. anyway, i have to go to a lecture but i will read some of your entries tonight if i have time.

coco xxx
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July 3rd, 2005 4:24 pm

credit to beloved_horror for banner.
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